If you were told you likely won't be here a year from now, what would you want? How would you prepare? What would you like your last impression to be, the last time your loved ones saw you?
We spend so much of our time as a society and a community preparing for each soul's birth into the world, but have fallen into a bubble, we are easily led, bullied almost, as to how one should take the leaving of each soul from here. How we should leave. How we should grieve. Consult the professionals. Look up the right etiquette. Why?
I am a psychiatric LPN, currently training to be a soul midwife, someone that helps the transition of a spirit out of life as much as a birth doula would help one come in. When you think on it, our mental processes and what we can handle in life is very similar as the processes we handle in death. We all have our thresholds. We all have our limits. We have a place where we wish we didn't have to make these choices anymore. This is where "others" come in. The ones happy to help you make those tough decisions. In dying, it is often medical professionals and our bewildered loved ones. In death, it is usually the funeral industry and the bereaved loved ones. The professional always coupled with the vulnerable. Listen to the words that they use to soften the blows, to gently coax you with soothing ideas.
But let's strip all that away, shall we? Just for a moment. Taking away other's opinions, how would you like to face your final moments in life? What would you like to have done for you to keep you comfortable, to keep all the good emotions and memories close? How would you like to be remembered when you die? What kind of ceremonies or memorials would you like to have? What of the legacy of your memory? And sure, what of the money? I sure wouldn't want my insurance money paying for my funeral. It's supposed to be for my family. Death is supposed to be about the family.
These are difficult things for many to think about. I will admit myself to being a thanaphobic. I am afraid of dying, and of the Unknown, about the What After. I am afraid of leaving my loved ones behind. I share these fears with many. As I go about my path, I keep this in mind. I strive to rejoice in people's individuality, their own paths. Making any transition their own.
There is the concept of "The Good Death" stretching back to the Victorians up until our perceptions changed with wars. Up to then, the goal was dying around family and friends, imparting sacred moments, having them take care of the dying and the ones who have died. Bathing, dressing, vigiling, remembering their "last words". Wearing mementos. Setting up a last portrait. This was all a part of the dying and grieving process back then. This is, what I believe we need more of now in a time where dying is a business. Death is an industry.
I am not trying to sell anything. I will not say what is or isn't a good way to die. I will not say you should suffer dying with grace and dignity. Such personal decisions these are. What I am doing is raising awareness, bringing forth information, hopefully inspiring confidence that someone can make choices that they feel comfortable with, and will not be forced into having the end of life they would have never wanted for themselves or their loved ones not for the sake of money, peer pressure, or politeness toward society.
Someday, I hope to offer my services (as a service, not as a career or business) as a soul midwife, advocating for you to make your transitions the way you would like. To keep such important decisions yours. To help you navigate though the nebulous options.
This blog isn't so much about death, but really it's about life- making every moment count, especially the last ones. To be here and present. Making as many as people feel as welcomed and loved when they shed their skins as they did when they were given those very same skins. It will have some deep thinking, some controversy, some advice, and some humor- maybe a history lesson here and there.
And it may give you a place to face our fears together.
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